Morning Journal

Morning Journal Entry

Friday, October 11

 

 

Slept remarkably well – way more than eight hours. Feeling rested, sore back noisy this morning. Much calmer about things this morning. Letting go – last night’s “Retreat” card a clear validation of my choice. It’s so easy to get drawn into the need to shape, to control, to be understood, even when the stated intention is to accept whatever is in front of me, to surrender to it, to embrace. 

 

Just texted Walt – check-in only. Feels right to do. I get small waves of missing home, have to pull myself back to the present. My awareness of my tendency to grumpiness when I’m tired is important. When we arrive at BE last night, I hated the room, felt overwhelmed, wanted really only to go to bed and sleep. But sitting for a bit, a shower, tea, legs up the wall, and everything looked brighter. Accepting that initial reaction as a stage, not the end, is helpful. Also choosing not to give voice to the fear and the things I don’t like is critical. 

 

I think about preferences – part of the point of pilgrimage is to not let my particular preferences be the primary reason for choosing my responses to things, or even for choosing what I do. A strong part of me would prefer to be at home with Birdie and the cats on my couch, drinking my coffee, playing games. 

 

Except the inertia of that was killing my soul and keeping me from being fully alive. I do not feel the exhilaration I’ve felt before, although there are moments. Like when our server place last night’s dinner in front of us. I was hit with a wave of deep gratitude at the abundance and beauty of that meal, sitting comfortable, dry, warm, looking at the ocean, next to a comfortable and interesting companion who is well on the way to becoming my fried. I felt the moment completely. I have said since the first Camino that this is where I feel most alive. In part that’s because I’m not participating in the numbing activities I fall back on at home to make time pass.