Morning Journal 2

 Morning Journal Entry

Saturday, October 12

 

 

Couldn’t sleep last night. Fell asleep okay, but woke up to sore right SI joint and grumpy tummy. Eventually things quieted down and I did fall asleep. I thought to take Advil, but did not. Have not yet this walk. I am sore, but the discomfort eased and so I will try to walk things off today. Today is day 6 of walking. Beach walking will be a test. 

 

I’m calm inside. Still feeling drawn to FB, especially in the evenings and at night when I’m awake. The morning pull is less. I’m aware I reach to check my phone a lot and when there is little to check, I want more. Last evening I was on WhatsApp and texting for a long time and enjoyed the connecting. 

 

One week now without social media, and it would be so easy to slip back to old habits and I can already feel the pit in my stomach after consuming something bad for me. The gift of this choice, this commitment, is still not manifest. When I explained to Peggy yesterday, she received with her usual wide-eyed acceptance, her no judging but unrevealing response to everything. She also did not ask questions.

 

It's easy also for me to attach myself to Cynthia’s story, her work as a pilgrim, to forget we really don’t know each other. Her extreme politeness is so interesting. Her scatteredness surprising. Her lack of any real interest in me a little hurtful, but not that surprising given where she is in life. Caroline’s example still a light to strive toward. Her radical acceptance of people, her love, her inner joy and strength. Both women working to heal their worlds by helping heal the people in this country. I wonder how I will take what I’m learning and seeing and apply it to whatever I choose on the other side. 

 

I can see even now that what I offer is more subtle, less impressive, but no less important. Listening. Good questions. The wisdom of all my work and age. Even acceptance and non-judgement, which I seem good at in the moment with whomever I’m listening to. Which I struggle with until a connection is made. My mother-taught childhood inclination to find some characteristic in others to judge them as lesser because of. It’s instant and unconscious. I’m becoming more conscious this walk.

 

It seems I do it with everyone. Also, my inclination to be ready to join forces against someone. Which neither Caroline or Cynthia does, or leave space for. I did it with Danielle yesterday. Judged her as snooty, skinny, thinking herself too good for me. But when I asked her about herself as I walked with her and Peggy and she revealed the gift of herself, I was immediately drawn. That has always been true. 

 

As last walk revealed my inclination to bend to the energy of a group or the person I’m with, this walk so far has been about that child’s defense of needing to find others lesser somehow. I see so clearly mommy’s hand in that survival behavior.

 

“When you lose rhythm, your life becomes wearyingly deliberate or anonymously automatic. Rhythm is the secret to balance and belonging. This will not collapse into false contentment or passivity. It is the rhythm of a dynamic equilibrium, a readiness of spirit, a pose that is not self-centered.” Anam Cara, p74